"I discovered everything we could do — in other words, everything. Noble or deadly desires, the annihilation of self-esteem, faith and acts — in others I had found all of these absurd, until I too turned to them."
— Simple Passion, Annie Ernaux
The Waiting Game
In the gaps between waiting, on the way home, she felt an immense, inexplicable joy — all because she was thinking of him. She would rather do nothing for hours than miss the single vibration of her phone. Then, resentfully, she'd set it to Do Not Disturb. Then undo it.
Everything that once annoyed her, saddened her, excited her — it all lost its meaning. She was perpetually absent, her mind elsewhere. And anything related to him could ignite her interest: the countries and cities he'd visited, the books he occasionally mentioned, his profession, the music he liked. These things became his derivatives. She couldn't help but cast him as the male lead in every novel she read, as though she were living alongside him again — experiencing his joys, his sorrows, his anger, his laughter.
The Questions She Never Asked
She never asked whether he was married. He never mentioned it either. Age seemed to represent many things — though, of course, it might not. Knowing the truth meant potentially throwing herself into an even more humiliating, self-respect-erasing position. She also never asked what kind of relationship they had. If she didn't ask, it could be anything. Once she asked, there was no going back. If she seemed too serious, perhaps it would startle him. Would he be smug? Dismissive? Or simply amused?
Desire Creates Distance
She spent too much desire, accumulated too much pleasure — and it only pushed her further from him. Did he know this at all? She couldn't stop dissecting his every word and glance.
When he talked about his childhood. When he said, "You're special" (just like every man does). When he jokingly celebrated Children's Day with her. In those moments, she felt there was something between them. But that feeling was fleeting, gone as quickly as it came.
Reason told her she was better off not hoping. She started wanting to leave. She no longer wanted to wait — to rack her brain for conversation topics, to imagine what might interest him, to figure out how to be witty enough to make him laugh unexpectedly, how to be seductive enough to arouse his enthusiasm, what fantasies to construct to suit his preferences.
Attention Is Not Love
Attention is not love. If she needed him to spend every hour of every day on her to feel loved, then it wasn't love. It was precisely because of her constant anxiety that she needed every message to prove he still desired her.
The Age Excuse
She could attribute the differences in their tastes to age — just as cross-cultural couples might attribute their inability to communicate to cultural differences rather than personality clashes. Of course, the truth was that the kind of person she could genuinely connect with was someone melancholic, fragile, ambiguously androgynous — perhaps even unbounded by gender. Her soul demanded neutrality; her body refused to comply.
"Each time, until exhaustion, until staggering steps — as if it were the last time. And what could guarantee it wasn't?"
Until even the body grew weary.
About Dominitoy: Dominitoy is a premium BDSM lifestyle brand dedicated to safe, consensual, and informed power exchange. We believe that honest conversations about desire — including its shadows — are essential to a healthy kink journey. Explore our collections at dominitoy.com.
This article is a literary reflection inspired by Annie Ernaux's "Simple Passion" and adapted from its original Chinese publication. It explores the emotional complexities of DDLG dynamics and age-gap power exchange. All references to relationships are between consenting adults.
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