High-achievers — people who hold themselves to exacting standards — actually get the short end of the stick when they enter the scene as a submissive. Within the power-exchange framework of D/s, people who are demanding, even ruthless, with themselves in everyday life may end up at a disadvantage.
Punishment presupposes wrongdoing — and these people almost never cross the line. The well-behaved child who never cries finds themselves trapped in the predicament of being unable to ask for candy.
We don't encourage deliberately making mistakes, but a great deal of the pleasure in D/s comes from the "transgression–punishment" loop itself.
A quick note, though — the reason we don't encourage deliberate mistakes is that most of the time the way people mess up is just stupid, and that's not playfulness, it's provocation. If you're going to pretend, at least pretend with some finesse. Pulling off tricks that get seen through at a glance — isn't that insulting everyone's intelligence?
In short, the Dom sets the rules, and the Sub tests their edges, occasionally commits some harmless little infraction, takes the punishment, and finds release and affirmation in that punishment. This loop is the everyday pattern of a D/s relationship. The Dom gains a sense of power, and the Sub experiences the security of being restrained. Even if a touch of "deliberateness" is mixed in, both still get a moment of pleasure — so why bother interrogating whether it was real or staged?
What High-Achievers Do Instead
But high-achievers are different. The moment the rules are set, these people start obeying them. They won't show up late on purpose, won't talk back, won't knowingly break a rule — because when they do something wrong, what arrives faster than punishment is self-flagellation and guilt.
And so a high-tension D/s dynamic turns into two restrained, polite people getting along normally. As the Dom, you sometimes know the other person is genuinely wonderful, yet you're left with a feeling of having nowhere to apply any force. And as the Sub, your desires sit heavy in your chest, hard to speak aloud.
After all, high-achievers often carry another "disadvantage" — high self-esteem. Handy, isn't it? Two people, civilized and dignified. And that's the life you'll be living.
So even though brats get shouted at by everyone in the community, they still have a solid market. Because these troublemakers stir things up and stay lively with endless drama — even the calmest, most dignified person has to pick up the whip and land a few strokes.
When the one who wants doesn't know how to ask, the one who gives doesn't know how to give. High-achievers are used to self-restraint and self-sufficiency; they're not used to burdening others, and they treat expressing a need as an intrusion. This same logic keeps running inside a D/s relationship — to the point of forgetting why they entered the scene in the first place: the need for release.
When the Sub no longer falls, how can the Dom ever say "I'll catch you"? For the one who holds power — especially a Dom who doesn't know how to stir up trouble or pick a fight — when the Sub obeys the rules, executes perfectly, and never errs, the Dom loses their "opponent" in the relationship. Like a passerby with no part in it — just another face in someone else's story. Somewhat detached from it all.
Both Sides End Up Losing
Seen this way, both sides actually lose out. The Sub dutifully performs obedience yet reaps none of the "pressure-release" payoff, while the Dom gains no real "power" at all — the power still rests in the other person's hands.
Of course, this applies to Doms who are too reasonable. But every carrot has its hole, and every horse its saddle. These high-achieving, high-self-esteem people typically want exactly that kind of Dom — refined, reasonable, and rational enough.
I suggest these people find a Dom who has cultivated a discerning, piercing eye. Only such a Dom can, without the Sub saying or expressing anything, see through the desire hidden in the Sub's heart at the right moment — and give punishment and release at the right time.
Four Ways Out
Faced with this problem, solutions do exist. You can, of course, just keep enduring. Endure long enough, and maybe the Dom will crack first — one day rewarding you for no reason at all. There, you got what you wanted.
If you'd rather not leave it to fate, waiting for some moment that may never come, you can also do your part. For example, switch to a new Dom — one who can wield power with a clear conscience, unreasonably. No need to hand over power on a platter; the home-invasion personality will come and take it.
If your current Dom is truly too hard to part with, I have a third strategy — carefully stage your own mistakes. As long as you're clever enough that the Dom can't see the traces of "deliberate error," you can con your way into what you want.
At this point a friend might ask: what if you get caught? What else can you do? Isn't that itself a mistake? Perfect — now you accept the punishment as a matter of course, buy one get one free, and the immersion runs even deeper.
If the third strategy still doesn't satisfy you, and you fancy yourself incapable of such a thing — no matter, I have a fourth strategy: have the Dom raise the threshold for "perfect execution." Make the demand strict enough that no matter how hard you try, you can't meet the standard — then mistakes become a forgone conclusion.
Of course, this requires a certain telepathy between the two of you, a bit of tacit understanding. When the Dom assigns you something impossible, they're doing it so you can fail by rights — you should be grateful. (That was a bit of PUA talk.) Not so you can use your clever little head to nitpick where it's unreasonable and why it defies logic. The step was laid out for you, but you wouldn't take it — nothing to be done.
The Standard Answer
Some people might say: "Real is real and fake is fake. I won't stoop to deceit, and I don't want that kind of thing."
Then I have a standard answer to offer these "good kids": in power exchange, the Dom should lower the threshold for expressing needs, allow the Sub to voice their needs directly, and build a day-to-day channel for releasing pressure — for example, regular discipline, turning correction and control into a daily ritual. Punishment was never meant to correct mistakes; it's meant to vent pressure.
And with that, my chant is done.
There's a saying online: "Once literature calls to someone, it will not easily let them go." And in D/s, we might revise it slightly — once pain calls to someone, it will not easily forgive them. Lucid pain is a gift.
Even though I can offer strategy after strategy, I still must end by blessing you — and cursing you. May you never learn, in this life, to flatter and deceive; may you carry the plea you cannot speak aloud, walking slowly and steadily through endless endurance. Until the gods lower their gaze, and behold your noble soul.
This essay is offered for reflection only. All power exchange, discipline, and impact play should follow SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) — negotiated boundaries, ongoing consent, and aftercare are never negotiable. This content is intended for adults 18+.
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