Self-Reflection First
First, you need to seriously examine yourself. What attracts you to BDSM? Do you want to establish a 24/7 relationship, taking responsibility for deciding every aspect of your submissive's life? Do you want to encourage others to become their best selves? Do you only want BDSM activities in the bedroom? Or something in between?
Whether it's the sense of power from completely controlling others or pleasure from inflicting pain, there are no standard answers—only your own feelings. Don't try to meet others' expectations. First, try to figure out what you truly desire. Before you understand yourself and can control yourself, don't expect to control or be responsible for others. This starts with self-assessment.
Next Steps...
Turn your attention to specific methods. At this point, you only need to focus on one thing: Does what you read make your heart race? When you immerse yourself in the various possibilities of this lifestyle, are your fantasies stimulated? You need to determine your starting point—what excites you most. Over time, you'll find your boundaries constantly expanding. Things you're unwilling to do now may become desires in the future. Conversely, things that interest you now may not excite you as much in a few years, replaced by other desires.
What do you crave right now? Spanking that young man or woman over your knee? Wrapping complex ropes and knots around their skin so they can't escape? Or having a considerate servant kneeling at your feet, ready to satisfy your every need and desire?
Continue Self-Assessment...
Now step back and think about what you truly desire. Do you want to take this fantasy further? It's time to examine yourself again... Are you willing to take on the responsibilities behind this? Being a dominant is far more than obtaining sexual pleasure. There's another person in the partnership. As the one in power, you have the responsibility to ensure everything proceeds as safely as possible. The submissive you find may crave being hurt—are you willing to maintain restraint, stay grounded, and ensure the hurt doesn't become real harm? If you lack such self-control, please keep your fantasies in dreams.
Assessment Complete...
Since you've carefully considered the consequences and responsibilities of becoming a dominant, seriously examined yourself, and honestly taken stock of who you are and what you desire, are you willing to take on the responsibility of caring for your submissive's body, mind, and soul? If the answer is yes, then it's time to think about what you need to learn. If the answer is no, there's nothing to be ashamed of. A wise person understands themselves and won't try to go against their nature or abilities.
Responsibilities...
If you continue reading this article, I assume your answer is a resounding "Yes!" and you want to learn more. As a dominant, you will face many demands. Believe me, while I enjoy dominating others, I don't take my responsibilities lightly, and neither should you. Some things, like simple bondage and spanking, are relatively safe and only require attention to a few things. Other more intense play demands more and carries significant risk of harm to the submissive. Please understand that while the BDSM creed is "safe, sane, and consensual," almost all levels of physical play have inherent risks. So before you pick up that whip or candle, it's time to learn everything you can. Read all the information you can find on the topic.
Patience...
So far, it seems you've spent a lot of time without enjoying any fun, right? That's the key. You're about to control another person—you need patience and certainty about what you're doing. Remember, before you can control others, you must first control yourself.
Finding a Partner...
Okay, you've examined yourself, figured out what you want, spent time learning the safety aspects of any play you want to experience, and now you're familiar with the relevant techniques. What's next? Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner. The key is still knowing what you desire. Remember, you have desires, and submissives have theirs too. The key is to find a submissive whose desires match yours. You absolutely cannot force a submissive to do anything that truly goes against their beliefs or desires. Ultimately, you'll only create doubt and resentment in the submissive, and disputes may even occur. It's difficult to find partners who completely satisfy us. If you enjoy inflicting pain, you need a partner willing to accept pain. If you only want control, a masochist will never satisfy you. Both of you will be frustrated by the experience. Be clear about what kind of partner you want, then go find them.
Relationships...
At the same time, figure out what kind of relationship you want at this time. Do you want to play occasionally, or do you want to live this 24/7 lifestyle? No one plays 24 hours a day. If you want a long-term partnership, you need to consider all the character traits you want. You need to have common interests outside of BDSM—otherwise, your breakfast conversations will be boring, and the entire experience will quickly tire both of you.
Behavior...
Okay, you know what you want and what to look for. Next, a few words about how to treat people. You'll find that many people, both online and in real-life groups, are willing to talk to you about your desires, but the way you present yourself is crucial. Remember, a person's submission is their own choice, not yours. Before someone voluntarily submits to you, you have no right to make any demands of anyone. If you act ostentatiously, as if you control the entire BDSM world, whether in reality or online, people will see through you and know you're just a novice who knows nothing. This is not a good start. Be a dominant, not an asshole!
More Responsibilities...
Remember, you're responsible for your partner's emotional health. In power exchange, one of the most important things is the submissive's trust in you as the dominant. Be trustworthy, or you'll hurt your partner. He or she may ask you some tricky questions. Be honest with yourself, admit your lack of experience, and show your sincerity. In the long run, both of you will be better off. I've met some experienced submissives in real life who are happy to let new dominants practice techniques on them, thinking they're protecting those less experienced sisters from unskilled people. From my own personal experience, some of my best practical experiences have come from more experienced submissives.
Safety...
Now it's time to talk about safety with your potential partner. Here are a few things to understand: negotiation, safewords, and safety plans.
Negotiation includes discussing what the submissive is willing and unwilling to do. Don't violate the boundaries set by the submissive: (1) You'll cause considerable mental harm to her; (2) You'll break the law (when you cross the line, it's no longer consensual); (3) Word will spread, and no one will want to play with you again. (Remember, the BDSM community is very close-knit, and nothing stays hidden for long.)
Safewords are words the submissive can use to stop the action when necessary. If your partner uses a safeword, you must respect it. Choose words that are easy to remember. I heard about a dominant who set the safeword "aspen" for a submissive. She needed to use it but only remembered it was a type of tree, so she shouted "Birch!" "Pine!" etc., while he thought she was deliberately provoking him... The result was very unpleasant. I have submissives use two safewords. One indicates she may be approaching her physical, mental, or emotional limits. The other, if used by the submissive, I'll stop the current scene, hold her, talk to her until she calms down, then let her decide whether to continue or end the scene. Remember, safewords aren't the submissive controlling the situation—they allow the submissive to protect themselves, which they have the right to do as human beings.
A safety plan is pre-arranged between the submissive and friends. It includes ensuring someone knows where the submissive is, who they're with, and making safety calls at scheduled times. When I meet new partners, I always ensure they have a safety plan. This includes meeting in public places, even if the submissive says they completely trust me. I want them to care about their safety as much as I do.
Aftercare...
Finally, let's talk about the end of scenes. You need to realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable state, and the scene may have put him or her into "subspace"—a wonderful altered state of consciousness. Your partner needs time to "fully return" to reality. Being abandoned in this vulnerable state is the most terrifying thing for a submissive. You need to be there during this recovery phase, providing care. For caring dominants, this intimate and comfortable time is as enjoyable and special as it is for the submissive.
Conclusion...
In short, you need patience, an open mind, a sense of responsibility, and a willingness to learn. Those of us in the BDSM community are just ordinary people—we have strengths and weaknesses, and no one is perfect. We all have room to grow and learn, whether we've been in this life for many years or are just starting out. There are many people in the community willing to help you on your journey. Seek advice from those with more experience. You'll find that most of us are very willing to help those who are genuinely learning and will generously show you what excites us. If you learn well, soon someone will come to you for advice, because the respect you earn in the community will be high.
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