A reader writes:
My parents found my vibrator. My dad dismissed it as "just messing around," while my mom insisted that using "these things" is exactly why I have no interest in marriage. When I explained that sex toys are completely normal nowadays, she doubled down: "If everyone were like you, the human race would go extinct."
They're literally blaming me for the potential extinction of humanity. I'm upset and confused. Can you help me make sense of this?
Breaking Free from Outdated Shame
A key milestone in personal growth is recognizing—and moving beyond—our parents' biases.
In Thomas Laqueur's The Lonely Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation, one 18th-century case stands out: A British father lamented that his son was "utterly addicted to masturbation" and had turned down a marriage proposal from a woman with a fortune of £17,000—an enormous sum at the time.
The father blamed masturbation entirely for his son's disinterest in marriage. No one bothered to ask what the real reason might be.
Because masturbation was considered sinful and pathological, the father simply connected two unrelated dots.
An infamous 18th-century text declared: "Once a man learns to masturbate, he loses interest in marriage. The ability to achieve sexual pleasure alone destroys the natural attraction between men and women. Masturbation is an abhorrent vice."
This ideology dominated for centuries. Between 1630 and 1750, an estimated 470 people were executed for masturbation in the Netherlands, Sweden, and the United Kingdom. Masturbation and homosexuality were the era's two great "unspeakable sins."
The ruling powers—primarily the Church—spread the same fear your mother expressed: If everyone masturbates, no one will marry, and humanity will perish.
Complete nonsense. Following the Industrial Revolution and economic expansion, the global population exploded.
Why Masturbation Was Feared
So why did the old guard fear it so much?
Laqueur offers insight: In that era, sex was deeply tied to power and social hierarchy. Your sexual partner reflected—and reinforced—your class status. "Appropriate" marriages maintained social order.
Masturbation bypassed all of that. In fantasy, anyone could transgress social boundaries without consequence. A beggar in a hovel and a king in a palace were equals in their private pleasure—no taboos, no gatekeepers.
Masturbation was the only form of sexual expression that transcended class, evaded power structures, and was universally accessible.
That's why it was dangerous. It represented autonomy. Loss of control.
The Real Question
So when parents react with anger upon discovering their child's sex toys, is it really about marriage and procreation?
Or is it about control—and the unsettling realization that their child is charting their own path?
Children grow up. They gain knowledge. They see through outdated shame. And when they do, those harsh words lose their power.
Your pleasure is your own. Your choices are your own. And no, you're not responsible for the extinction of humanity.
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