In the power exchange within a master-servant relationship, one party is willing to relinquish a certain degree of control, while the other seeks to gain that control. On the surface, this concept does not seem complicated. However, just like all matters involving degrees, there are countless balance points here. And only when both parties feel satisfied with the balance brought about by this exchange can the relationship succeed.
I believe everyone has their own management style, and I hope we can all coexist harmoniously. Personally, micromanaging every little detail is not only exhausting but also extremely boring.
The Pitfalls of Micromanagement
I've had conversations like this with some friends in my life:
(Me): Hey, haven't seen you guys in ages. Let's get together for a meal when you're free.
(Them): When exactly?
(Them): Where should we eat?
(Them): What time?
And so on.
It's a small example, but after all the back-and-forth, I ended up making all the decisions. I even thought maybe I should go over and help them pick out what clothes to wear.
I'm interested in the bars, restaurants, and places that others like, just as I'm happy to share my own favorites. Discovering others' preferences is part of the joy of socializing.
On a side note, if my romantic relationship were like this, I definitely would have jumped out the window to escape. Cook me a dish I've never tasted before, suggest something you want to do, surprise me occasionally, and devote yourself fully to what you love. I like being around people who are full of energy and passionate about the things they care about.
How Much Management Is Excessive (or Insufficient)?
You can probably tell that I'm not someone who likes to micromanage. So, if I don't hover over my partners telling them what color underwear to wear or whether they can eat ice cream, am I still a real master? Or more importantly, will they see me as a real master?
To be honest, the line here is hard to grasp. Without any control at all, my relationship would be no different from other non-master-servant relationships. Yet exerting control over trivial matters that I find unimportant would annoy me. It took me some time to find the optimal balance between the two, and this balance isn't just about what I want. Throughout the process, I negotiate with my partners from time to time and make adjustments based on their needs and feelings.
On the surface, it seems that the power exchanged in my relationship is less than that in relationships where the dominant has a stronger desire for control. But I don't think that's the case at all. In fact, I believe the degree of power exchange in my master-servant relationship is just as much as in others'—maybe even more.
The Illusion of Democracy
In my relationship, as the master, I am entrusted with power. I consciously decide to hand back the power over those trivial details, and both parties are well aware of this. I "could have" decided the weekly menu and social plans, but I chose not to—and we all know this is my choice. We call this the "illusion of democracy," because we all know that I can exercise my power whenever I want. Sometimes I do exactly that, just to keep everyone on their toes.
Moreover, this is undoubtedly beneficial to me. I have no interest in keeping track of bills for electricity and internet; someone else takes care of that for me. I also don't want to arrange for someone to clean the air conditioner, so I assign that task to others. Entrusting power to my partners has made my life much easier.
Reality and Perception
However, I also realize that there is a risk that the "perceived" balance may tip in the wrong direction. What I mean is, without a certain degree of direct control, my partners might start to feel that this isn't really a master-servant relationship anymore. Of course, through some mature conversations and rational analysis, we can reaffirm that our relationship is a master-servant one. But if we have to do this frequently, it becomes tedious—and it won't change the fact that the relationship may be damaged by fluctuations in power dynamics.
To a certain extent, we have established a set of rules, rituals, and processes to remind us of the master-servant nature of our relationship. These are important and work well. In our relationship, we all abide by various codes of conduct.
Maintaining the Dynamic
But as a dominant, I believe it's important to always pay attention to how power flows in the relationship. Here, we're talking about "perceived power"—that is, how each person in the relationship feels about the power dynamic. If you're in a relationship with a low degree of control, I think there are times when you have to assert your dominance as a controller no matter what. This is one of the many tools in our toolkit, helping to keep our master-servant relationship healthy. Your partner is an adult, not a child; you may "not need" to do this, but it often serves as the spark that brings everything back to a pleasant state of balance.
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